No big loss

This could be a pity entry.

This could be the mirror image of the xanga entry in which I seriously discuss contemplating suicide.

This is neither.

This is me admitting, with no real explanation, that I attempted suicide last night. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I already have a high tolerance for alien substances and since I'm a wuss I didn't try the guaranteed way, which would have been slitting my wrists. Instead I decided to take the rest of a bottle of ibruprofin because it was on hand and I was being rash and didn't really think about the fact that on any normal period day I take up to 16 ibruprofin within 24 hours and I'm fine. That said, I waited a half an hour (drank a lot of water at Dan's insistent request) and then puked for about 45 minutes.

I don't really feel better. I'm not dead either.

I also tried to break up with Dan tonight. Suffice it to say it went poorly because I genuinely love and want to be with him and was only trying to do it because I'm sure he could do better and he refuses to see that. In the heat of trying to find some way for him to want to not be with me (self sabatoge, this has happened before, more than once), I made up some bullshit about how this entire ten months I've been lying to him, that I never felt anything for him, that it'd all been some elaborate trick for kicks. I can't believe I would even let those words cross my mind, much less come out of my mouth directed at the love of my life. Of course I regretted them as soon as they were uttered, but the damage was already done. He'll never trust me again.

I guess I'm glad I'm still walking and talking. But I'm trying to think of a way things could be worse.